Why social exchange theory may help you decide whether to end a friendship
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Should you stay or should you go? Learn about the social exchange theory and how it may help you decide whether you should end that tough friendship or relationship.
Friends are often some of the most important people in our lives. But, let’s be honest… friendships aren’t always easy.
Sometimes, we find ourselves stuck in a friendship that doesn’t feel quite right anymore. Maybe you’ve started to notice that you’re putting in more effort into the connection than your friend is, or spending time with them feels more stressful than fun. In moments like these, you might wonder if it’s time to walk away.
Deciding whether to end a friendship can be tough, especially when you have so many shared memories, inside jokes, and years of history. But, at the same time, staying in a relationship that no longer feels healthy or supportive can leave you feeling drained.
If you’re not sure if you should stay or go, you might want to turn to the social exchange theory to get a bit of perspective. Relationships are all about balance, and this theory can give you a way to find more of it. Here’s how.
What is social exchange theory?
Social exchange theory is a psychological concept that explains how people evaluate their relationships. It assumes that we will always act in our own self-interest, trying to maximize rewards and minimize costs in our social interactions. Simply put, we stick with relationships that bring us value (rewards) and move away from those that feel draining (costs).
This theory was developed in the mid-20th century by sociologists like George Homans and Peter Blau and takes a broad view of what costs and rewards might be.
Costs: Time, emotional energy, frustration, and feelings of neglect or stress
Rewards: Support, fun times, advice, shared experiences, and a sense of belonging
In friendships, costs can show up when a friend frequently cancels plans, ignores your needs, or creates unnecessary drama. Rewards are the positive experiences that make you feel good, like having someone to vent to or share special moments with.
5 concepts of social exchange theory
If you’re not sure what to do about a specific friendship, the five concepts of social exchange theory might be just what you need. This framework can help you think more clearly about your relationship dynamics, especially when you have a gut feeling that something is off.
Expectations: If a relationship isn’t meeting your standards for what a good friendship should look like, you may find yourself questioning what value it brings you. For example, if your friend is overly critical about everything you do or constantly cancels plans, they’re probably not meeting your expectations.
Alternatives: If you believe you could find better friends whose values align more with yours, you might start to consider leaving a friendship that isn’t working for you.
Reciprocity: Healthy friendships typically involve give and take. When this becomes one-sided—and you’re always the one giving—you might begin to feel resentment.
Equity: You’re more likely to feel satisfied in a friendship if you think you and your friend are equally contributing to the relationship. But if you’re always the one to initiate plans or check in, it might be time to rethink your relationship.
Investment: You might hesitate to end a friendship if you’ve been friends for years, even if it no longer feels positive, because of the time, energy, and emotions, you’ve already invested. In these cases, you might want to consider how the relationship has changed and if it’s still serving you.
Pros and cons of using social exchange theory for your relationships
Theories can sound great on paper but may not feel right for you in practice. Before you use social exchange theory to make decisions about your friendships, it’s worth taking a moment to weigh the pros and cons of it.
Pros
1. Helps you see the balance in your relationships: Social exchange theory allows you to see whether the relationship is fair and beneficial for you, especially if you feel like you're putting in more effort than the other person.
2. Provides clarity during tough decisions: Deciding whether to end a friendship can be emotionally exhausting, but using social exchange theory can help you approach it more logically. By listing the costs and rewards of the friendship, you may gain a different perspective on whether it's worth maintaining or if you need to step away.
3. Encourages fairness: It's important to feel valued and supported in your friendships. Social exchange theory can help you recognize if a friendship has become one-sided, and encourage you to address the imbalance with your friend. Having a conversation about your feelings can strengthen your connection.
4. Promotes self-awareness: Social exchange theory can help you become more aware of your needs. By evaluating the costs and rewards in your friendships, you may realize certain aspects that have been bothering you. This reflection can motivate you to establish boundaries and build healthier, more fulfilling friendships in the future.
Cons
1. Can feel too transactional: One drawback of social exchange theory is its focus on keeping score. While it's important to be aware if a friendship is consistently one-sided, relationships also require patience, empathy, and understanding. Friendships can ebb and flow, so it's important to not rush to end things over temporary imbalances.
2. May overlook emotional and personal history: Friendships are built on shared experiences, emotional connections, and personal history. While social exchange theory focuses on the present balance of costs and rewards, it may not fully consider the long-term value of a friendship, especially if you’ve supported each other through major life events. While social exchange theory can help evaluate the current state of a friendship, it's also important to consider the bigger picture and how much you’ve grown together.
3. Can encourage ending relationships too quickly: While social exchange theory can help you identify unhealthy friendships, it may lead to prematurely ending relationships rather than overcoming challenges. Friendships evolve, and the give and take fluctuates over time. Sometimes, it's worth working through tough times to deepen a friendship.
4. It may undervalue emotional support: Social exchange theory often doesn’t give enough weight to the emotional support and deeper connections that make friendships meaningful. While tangible costs and rewards are important, the emotional bonds and care in a friendship are invaluable. It's important to recognize when a relationship isn't working, but be careful not to undervalue the emotional aspects that can't always be measured easily.
How to use social exchange theory to analyze your friendships and relationships
If you’re struggling to remember why you became friends in the first place, social exchange theory can help you figure out what’s going on and how to approach fixing things.
Focus on the positives of your friendship
Start by thinking about the rewarding aspects of your friendship. What makes it feel worthwhile? These could be tangible things, like having someone to hang out with on a Saturday afternoon, or more emotional benefits, like feeling supported, understood, or appreciated.
Take a moment for self-reflection and ask yourself:
Does this friend make you feel good about yourself?
Do you have fun with them or enjoy their company?
Can you rely on them when you need advice or help?
Do they bring positivity or laughter into your life?
Make a list of the rewards that come to mind. This could include a mix of small things like having someone who’s always down to meet spontaneously or deeper things like feeling like they truly get you in a way others don’t. Focus on what makes this friendship meaningful and special.
Be honest about what this friendship costs you
All friendships come at a cost, whether it’s emotional, mental, or even physical. These are the parts of the relationship that may feel draining, stressful, or frustrating at times.
Try asking yourself:
Do you often feel unsupported or taken for granted?
Is there constant drama or conflict that leaves you feeling anxious?
Are you always the one initiating contact or making plans?
Does this friendship leave you feeling more stressed than happy?
Write down the things that have been bothering you. These might be a mix of recurring issues, like always feeling like you’re putting in more effort, and specific moments that left you feeling hurt or disappointed. Don’t hold back — this list is for your eyes only, and it’s important to recognize what’s really weighing on you.
Consider the balance of your relationship
Now look at both lists and consider the overall balance. If the rewards are greater than the costs, you might decide that the friendship is still worth the investment. But if the costs seem to heavily outweigh the rewards, it could be a sign that your friendship needs to change, or even that it’s time to take a step back.
Try asking yourself:
Are the positive experiences frequent enough to outweigh the negative ones?
Do the rewards make up for the stress or frustration the relationship causes?
Are you holding on to this friendship for the right reasons, or just out of habit or guilt?
It’s normal for friendships to go through rough patches, so if the balance is a little off right now, it doesn’t automatically mean the friendship should end. But, if you’ve been aware that the costs have consistently outweighed the rewards for a long time, it might be time to rethink whether this friendship is still right for you.
Be aware of your expectations
Now, reflect on what you expect from your friendship and how you view other friendships or potential connections.
Expectations: Think about the standards you have for your friendships in general. Does this relationship meet those standards? Are you getting the kind of support, fun, or companionship that you expect from a close friend? If not, it might explain why you’ve been feeling unhappy in the relationship.
Alternatives: If you feel like you have stronger, more rewarding friendships with other people, it could highlight the shortcomings in the friendship you’re analyzing. Or, if you don’t feel like you have many other strong friendships, you might just be staying in a less satisfying relationship because it feels better than being alone. (If the idea of finding new friends makes you nervous, here are 10 ways to make and keep friends as an adult.)
Being aware of your expectations within friendships can help you understand why you’re having mixed feelings. If a friendship isn’t meeting your expectations, it’s an opportunity to think about what your needs really are and how you might fulfill them more meaningfully.
💙 Explore what it means to have Mindful Friendships with help from Jay Shetty.
Think about the give and take (and what could change)
Ask yourself whether the relationship feels balanced. Are both of you putting in the same amount of effort, or does it feel like you’re doing most of the work?
Reciprocity: Is there a fair exchange of support, time, and energy? Healthy friendships involve both people showing up for each other. If you’re always the one giving and never receiving, it can create feelings of resentment or exhaustion.
Equity: Does the friendship feel fair overall? If one person is consistently making sacrifices or giving more than the other, the friendship might start to feel one-sided. Equity is about feeling like both people are equally invested in the relationship, even if their contributions look different.
If this friendship feels unequal, it’s understandable that you’ve been feeling unappreciated or drained. This doesn’t mean the friendship has to end, but it might be worth having a conversation with your friend to see if things can improve. Similarly, these tips can provide a baseline for understanding the qualities you might look for in a good friend.
💙 Learn how to support your friendships with help from the Meaningful Practice for Meaningful Friendship series.
Reflect on how invested you are in this friendship
Friendships take time and effort to build, and you might hesitate to walk away from one that you’ve put a lot into, even if it’s no longer serving you. But if things don’t feel right then it's important to ask yourself whether continuing to invest in the friendship is worth it.
You can even take a moment to explore your needs through journaling, self-reflection (here are 20 questions to reflect), and even meditation.
Try asking yourself:
Have you been friends for a long time? Does that make you feel more attached, even if the friendship has become less fulfilling?
Are you staying in the friendship because of the history you’ve shared, rather than the current dynamic?
Is this friendship still helping you grow, or is it holding you back emotionally?
It’s natural to feel a sense of loyalty to someone you’ve been close to for years, but sometimes friendships evolve, and people grow apart. If the friendship no longer feels positive or rewarding, it’s okay to recognize that and move on, even if you’ve invested a lot into it.
Social exchange theory FAQs
How does social exchange theory differ from other relationship theories?
Social exchange theory aims to help people approach their friendships objectively by weighing the costs and rewards associated with them. Unlike other relationship theories, this framework ignores emotions, which are a key part of any relationship. When determining whether to write off a friend, it might be useful to balance social exchange theory with other concepts to make sure your approach is balanced.
Can social exchange theory apply to family and romantic relationships as well as friendships?
Yes, social exchange theory can also be applied to family and romantic relationships, as it involves weighing the costs and rewards of interactions.
Romantic relationships: You might focus on assessing whether the love and support you receive balance out any stress or conflict.
Family relationships: You might weigh the level of emotional energy you’ve invested against the support or closeness you’ve received.
What are examples of costs and rewards in a friendship or other relationship?
In any relationship, there are costs and rewards. In friendships, rewards include emotional support, fun experiences, and a sense of belonging. Costs can include feeling neglected or drained. In romantic relationships, you might also consider physical affection or financial support as part of the mix.
Assessing the overall balance between costs and rewards in your relationship is one way of gauging why it doesn’t feel quite right anymore — and provides an opportunity to get things back on track.
Is it healthy to assess relationships solely based on social exchange theory?
Social exchange theory is a useful tool for understanding relationships, but it shouldn’t be the only factor you consider. After all, relationships are complex, and emotional depth plays a big role. But if you’re curious about deepening your connection with your friends, here’s how to start.
While social exchange theory can highlight imbalances, it's important to also consider feelings, history, and the potential for positivity in the long run. Use social exchange theory as a guide, but listen to your heart and consider your feelings too.
How does social exchange theory explain changes in long-term friendships?
People and friendships change over time, and you can use social exchange theory to better understand why. If you start to feel something is off with a long-term friend, consider the rewards and costs. What's changed? It's possible that by using this framework, you can gain new or deeper insights into the nature of your friendship.
Of course, friendships are never simple. Trust and shared history help maintain your relationships, and it's important to consider everything you've gone through together too. Your emotions matter.
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