Is someone using reverse psychology on you? Here’s what to do
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Ever have someone tell you you probably wouldn’t like something and then all of a sudden you couldn’t be more interested? This is reverse psychology. Here’s how to spot it.
You know when a friend’s been trying to convince you to see that buzzy new horror movie in theaters and then they finally see it and rave, “Wow, that was the best movie I’ve ever seen. But you were right... It’s definitely not the kinda thing you’d like.” Then two minutes later, you’re on Fandango buying tickets to the next available showing and you think, “Wait, what am I doing? How’d they get me to do that? I hate horror movies!”
Well, this is reverse psychology at work, influencing your decision making. And it pops up more often than you’d think.
So what exactly is it? Is it a positive influence or a negative one? And what can you do if it’s happening to you and you don’t like it? Let’s dive in.
What is reverse psychology?
Reverse psychology is a technique used to persuade you by suggesting the opposite of what you want. It aims to make you feel like you’re the one making the decision — but in reality, they’re convincing you to make the decision they wanted you to make.
Parents use this approach to great success with toddlers who love to feel grown up.
Say a child doesn’t want to read a book before bed, a parent might say, “This book’s really fun, so it’s probably not your thing.” This might cause the child to suddenly beg the parent to read it to them.
Reverse psychology plays on human behavior by pushing you to feel like you’re in control when actually you’re being influenced.
It might seem harmless at first, but there’s a fine line between using it playfully—like a mischievous friend trying to get you to see their favorite horror movie—and being manipulative, which can leave you feeling gross and full of distrust.
6 examples of reverse psychology
Reverse psychology can sometimes be hard to spot as it’s used in a wide variety of ways. Here are some examples of it in action all around us.
In parenting: A mom might tell their vegetable-hating kid, “These green beans aren’t for you, it’s only for grownups.” This could encourage the child to prove their parent wrong, so they decide to taste it.
In relationships: A partner might say, “I guess you’re too busy to spend time with me this weekend.” This might encourage the other partner to prove they care, and make date night plans.
At work: A manager might tell an employee, “I’m not sure you’re ready to tackle this project.” This then might encourage the employee to rise to the challenge to show they’re capable.
In sales: A salesperson might say, “This gym shoe isn’t for everyone,” which might make a customer curious and make them more interested in wanting to be part of this exclusive group.
In advertising: An ad might say, “Don’t buy this. It’s only for those who are brave enough.” This might prompt people to buy it to prove they’re part of this ‘brave’ group.
With friendships: A friend who just got a promotion might say, “Let’s not split that bottle of wine. It’s too expensive and the promotion isn’t that big of a deal.” This might make you want to shell out the big bucks, or even go in on an even more expensive bottle to prove to them how much they mean to you.
Is reverse psychology beneficial?
Reverse psychology can bring benefits, like if it’s used as a technique to help encourage positive behavior without feeling like direct control’s being exerted. But outside of a parent at their wits’ end trying to get their kid to eat broccoli, it probably shouldn't be a go-to tactic.
Because it’s possible that using reverse psychology will backfire and hurt your relationships as no one really likes to feel tricked. (Learning how to build emotional connections in your relationships might be a better way to navigate them).
Cons of using reverse psychology
Reverse psychology definitely has some cons, especially if it’s overused or not used correctly. Even if your intentions are good, people might start to lose trust in you and feel emotionally manipulated as no one likes to feel duped or controlled. If people see that this is becoming a pattern, they might start to grow resentful. Also, it’s important to note that a lot of the time it doesn’t lead to lasting changes in behavior or attitude.
Misfires can arise as well where people resist even harder to what you want them to do. This can lead to misunderstandings and confusion, which can ultimately be detrimental to your relationships.
When in doubt, a direct and honest approach might be the better way to get what you want in all of your relationships. These seven tips can help you communicate your needs.
What to do if reverse psychology is being used on you: 4 tips to protect your mental health
Not knowing if someone’s using reverse psychology on you can feel scary and can make you doubt yourself and the intentions of the people around you. Here are a few tips to help you figure out if reverse psychology is being used on you — and how to navigate it if it is.
1. Recognize the signs
If you have someone in your life who regularly says something like, “You probably wouldn’t want to help with this,” when they actually do want your help — this is a pretty good sign they are using reverse psychology.
Be on the look out for patterns and ask yourself questions like: does this person frequently suggest the opposite of what they actually want from you? Do they often give you that icky feeling that you’re being persuaded toward a decision you normally wouldn’t go for?
2. Don’t react immediately
If you’re seeing signs that someone’s using reverse psychology on you, stay calm and take a minute to think and breathe. Reverse psychology works by getting you to react impulsively, so pausing and reflecting can help you not fall into the trap of reacting in the way the other person wants. These five tips can help you slow down before reacting.
Ask yourself, “Is this really what I want to do, or am I being influenced to make a decision that I don’t actually want to make?”
3. Trust your gut
If you are often feeling like you’re being pressured to make decisions that don’t sit well with you or are for someone else’s benefit, check in with yourself and trust your gut. Relationships shouldn’t make you regularly question whether or not you’re being manipulated.
4. Set boundaries and be direct
Healthy relationships—whether personal or professional—are built on mutual respect and clear communication. So, if you suspect someone’s using reverse psychology, ask them directly.
Say a friend says, “You probably wouldn’t want to go to this party,” and you feel like they’re hoping you’ll go, try responding with, “Are you sure? It seems like you might want me to go and I feel like I’m being pressured into a decision when you phrase it that way. I’d prefer if we could communicate more openly.”
This type of direct questioning and boundary setting can help clarify the other person’s intentions and encourage them to be more straightforward — and you might even find they were just trying to be considerate of your feelings, rather than manipulate you. (These tips can help you set healthy boundaries.)
Showing you value clear communication can help you discuss things more positively, which can help you and the other person grow closer.
💙 Learn more about how to set Boundaries with guidance from Tamara Levitt’s Relationship with Others Series.
Reverse psychology FAQs
How can reverse psychology affect trust in relationships?
Reverse psychology can wear away trust in relationships, especially if it’s used too often.
When one partner consistently uses reverse psychology, the other may start to feel they’re being manipulated. Instead of openly asking for what they need or want, this partner essentially hides their true message beneath a layer of indirect communication. And if you’re on the receiving end, it can feel confusing and frustrating — and can make you not know what to believe or how to respond. (But if you suspect you’re dealing with trust issues, check out these signs).
Using reverse psychology too often might undermine your relationship — so try to be more direct when you’re hoping they’ll do something. It can be scary at first, but if you approach them with kindness and empathy, you might be surprised by how open they are.
What are some signs that someone is using reverse psychology on me?
It can be tricky to figure out sometimes, but a key sign is when someone frequently suggests the opposite of what they actually want or need.
A friend might say, “You probably wouldn’t want to go to that Disney resort with me, it’s not really your thing,” but you get the sense that they really do want you to go. This is probably them using reverse psychology. Another example is when a boss says, “I’m not sure if you’re up for this task,” in the hopes that you’ll prove them wrong and take on the challenge.
If you often feel like your decisions are being influenced indirectly by someone, rather than through straightforward requests, that person is probably using reverse psychology on you. By recognizing these signs, it will slowly become easier to identify when it’s happening to you, and you will then be able to respond in a way that feels right for you.
Is reverse psychology the same as gaslighting?
Reverse psychology and gaslighting aren’t the same thing, though both involve forms of manipulation.
Reverse psychology: is a technique where someone suggests the opposite of what they want you to do to try and provoke you toward a particular choice or action without directly telling you. While this can feel manipulative, it doesn’t necessarily intend to make someone question their reality or sanity.
Gaslighting: is a tactic that a person uses to intentionally distort the truth to make you doubt your own memories, perceptions, or experiences. The goal of gaslighting is to make you feel confused, insecure, and unsure of what’s real. This can lead to a loss of confidence in your own judgment and can be abusive.
While reverse psychology and gaslighting have some similarities, reverse psychology can also be playful and positive at times, whereas gaslighting is not playful. It is damaging and can have serious long-term effects on a person’s mental health. If you suspect your partner is gaslighting you, here are the 10 biggest red flags in relationships to look out for.
How does reverse psychology differ from other forms of persuasion?
Reverse psychology is different from other forms of persuasion because it works by indirectly influencing someone’s behavior, and it also tends to be less straightforward.
Instead of asking openly for what you want, you suggest the opposite — hoping the person will react by doing what you really intended. So, instead of saying, “I’d like you to help me with this project,” you might say, “You probably don’t have time to help me with this.”
Most other forms of persuasion are more direct. They involve trying to convince someone with logic, potential benefits they could receive by your request, or appealing to their emotions. These techniques tend to be less manipulative and are typically more transparent and rely on clear communication.
Are there ethical concerns about using reverse psychology in the workplace?
While reverse psychology might seem like a clever way to motivate someone or positively influence their behavior in the workplace, it can also come across as manipulative. This can bring up ethical concerns, especially if it’s used frequently.
If employees feel like they’re being tricked or manipulated through reverse psychology, it can damage the company’s morale.
If a manager tells an employee, “I’m not sure you’re ready for this promotion,” when they’re actually hoping to motivate the employee to work harder, it could make the employee feel undermined rather than empowered. This could discourage the employee and cause them to have an even worse job performance.
Direct, supportive communication that encourages and respects employees might be the better path and could result in the employees' improved job performance.
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