9 tips to build a better relationship with your mother-in-law
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
We know the relationship with your mother-in-law can get a little... complicated. These 9 tips can help you bond with your MIL, or just be a little more cordial.
If pop culture is any indication, few relationships are more fraught than the one you have with your mother-in-law. In many cases, it can feel like walking an emotional tightrope. One minute, you’re trading compliments, and the next, you’re tripping over yourself not to offend each other (which only sometimes works).
So why is this dynamic so complicated for so many people? It’s not always because someone is doing something wrong. The truth is, it can be difficult to enter a family with decades of deeply ingrained family roles. Just being there and trying to incorporate your own traditions can sometimes challenge a whole legacy of “this is how we do things,” even if it’s done with the best of intentions. Many parents are also very protective of their kids, which can come with a slew of fair (and unfair) expectations.
If you’re having a hard time building a strong relationship with your mother-in-law, you’re not alone. But there are manageable shifts you can make that can help you bond — or at least coexist peacefully.
Why can mother-in-law relationships be so complicated?
Mother-in-law relationships can be tricky because the role in and of itself is a little weird. You didn’t choose her, and she didn’t choose you, but you’re going to be tied to each other from here on out. Obviously, this can lead to emotional static.
When you factor in your partner, the relationship has the potential to feel like a loyalty triangle. You and your partner have your own thing going, and your partner and their mom have their own relationship. Then all of a sudden, there’s this new dynamic between all three of you. This can feel disorienting for everyone involved. Cultural expectations, generational gaps, and differing communication styles can create waves.
To make matters even more complicated, there can be pressure to keep the peace, especially if grandkids are involved or family harmony is riding on how well you two get along. As a result, you could find yourself smile-nodding through conversations that make your whole body tense, because blowing things up doesn’t feel like an option.
5 factors that can influence the dynamic with your mom-in-law
If your relationship with your mother-in-law feels fraught, you’re not alone. Here’s what might be at play:
1. Your partner’s relationship with her: If they’re super close, you could feel like the third wheel. If it’s bumpy, you could get caught in the emotional crossfire. Either way, you’re not wrong for wanting your partner to help set the tone. It’s not all on you.
2. Generational differences: Different upbringings can lead to different expectations. Her “trying to help” could sometimes feel a lot like judgment.
3. Unclear (or totally invisible) boundaries: Unannounced drop-ins can be disruptive, and unsolicited advice, annoying. Setting clear and kind boundaries can help mothers-in-law form new habits, even if it takes a bit of adjusting.
4. Unspoken family expectations: Every family has their own way of doing things, and often, nobody says it out loud until those rules are broken. But you’re allowed to create new traditions, even if that ruffles a few feathers.
5. Your own history with parental figures: If your upbringing left some scars, those wounds can resurface in unexpected moments, like when she comments on your tidiness. The more you understand your own triggers, the easier it is to respond instead of react.
How to get along with your mother-in-law: 9 tips to help you bond (or at least be cordial)
You deserve a relationship with your mother-in-law that doesn’t leave you screaming into a pillow the minute she leaves your home. Sure, having a strong connection might not be in the cards, but there are still ways to build a more manageable and respectful dynamic.
Here are 10 tips that can help you bond, or at least peacefully coexist, while still remaining true to who you are.
1. Start where you actually are
If you’re not in a great place with your mother-in-law, that’s okay. Just be honest with yourself about where you stand. (Here are six tips to help keep yourself in check.)
Aim for neutrality if things are currently tense. Keep the dynamic light, civil, and pressure-free. Trying to do too much can make the situation worse.
2. Find a little common ground
Look for shared interests and build from there. This common ground can help give you a safe place to connect.
Maybe you could share a recipe you think she’d like or a magazine article about one of her hobbies. That can help you bond without you having to put in too much effort.
3. Define your boundaries early
Boundaries are necessary for keeping things peaceful. Set some in a clear and calm way during regular moments and not reactive ones. Also, remind yourself that you can always adjust them as life changes. (If setting boundaries with family is hard for you, here are five tips to help.)
💙 Learn A Secret to Better Boundaries with Jeff Warren to help you get more comfortable stating your needs.
4. Let your partner take the wheel sometimes
Many times, your partner is in the best position to communicate needs or clear up confusion. If something’s happening regularly, like guilt-tripping or overstepping, it’s okay to ask them to step in. You aren’t starting drama, you’re working together as a team.
Here are seven tips to help you communicate your needs in a relationship.
5. Watch for emotional landmines
If she’s always slipping in subtle digs, like “We didn't sleep train in my day...” try to choose peace as often as you can. You could respond to this type of comment with a simple yet firm, “It works for us.” This way, you acknowledge the statement without escalating it.
6. Keep communication clear and kind
Before resentment starts building, kindly bring it up and ask for a calm check-in. You could say, “I know you’re trying to help, but when you step in with advice in front of the kids, it makes things a bit harder for me. Can we find a different way to handle it?”
As a general rule of thumb, try to remind yourself that most people aren’t out to sabotage you. They most likely just don’t realize how their behavior lands unless it’s gently brought to their attention.
💙 Practice the art of Kind Communication in this meditation with Tamara Levitt.
7. Manage expectations
Take some time to decide what kind of relationship you can sustain, and then let that be enough. You don’t need to be best friends with your mother-in-law. Just being cordial is fine.
Also, release the idea that every kind gesture will be reciprocated or even appreciated. Do it if it feels right, not because you expect something in return.
8. Take breaks without guilt
You don’t have to go to every dinner, answer every call, or absorb every mood. If things feel too charged for you, it’s okay to take a step back and reset.
Sometimes, the best way to protect your relationship is to give it a little space to breathe.
9. Find someone to talk it out with
Reaching out to a friend or a loved one to vent can sometimes be just the thing you need to process your emotions. But if the stress runs deeper, consider talking with a therapist.
Therapy can help you unpack patterns, strengthen boundaries, and figure out what kind of connection you want with your mother-in-law.
Mother-in-law relationship FAQs
What are some simple ways to bond with my in-laws?
Bonding with your in-laws is what you make of it. You can go big, like taking a vacation together, or small, like texting every once in a while.
A good way to help you bond is to start noticing what your in-laws like and asking them about it. When you actively listen to what they have to say, you’ll make them feel seen.
Also, if it’s comfortable for you, making occasional small gestures can go a long way. Send them a photo of your kids or a meme that would make them smile. This can help lay the foundation for warmer and more relaxed interactions. Here are 15 more ways to build rapport with your mother-in-law.
How can I set healthy boundaries with my mother-in-law without offending her?
Sometimes you might not be able to set boundaries without offending your mother-in-law, and that’s okay. Aim to be both kind and firm, and focus on sharing your needs rather than criticizing her behavior.
For example, if you’re tired of her dropping by unannounced, you might say, “We need a little more downtime as a family, so we’re trying to plan visits ahead of time.” She might feel disappointed, but that doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It just means you’re prioritizing your peace.
How involved should my partner be in resolving conflicts with their mom?
Your partner should definitely help resolve conflicts with their mom and you. This is their relationship, their family, and—many times— their emotional history to unpack.
If you feel like something needs addressing and it’s going to land better coming from your partner, ask them to step up. You can and should speak up for yourself when needed, but it’s also not your job to mediate every awkward conversation and microaggression. Healthy boundaries are a team sport.
What if I’ve tried everything and we still don’t get along with my MIL?
Unfortunately, some relationships are going to be complicated. If your relationship with your mother-in-law has been met with resistance or just a wall of indifference, it’s okay to stop pushing.
If this is the case, consider switching your approach to just being respectful and protecting your energy. You can also choose to have more limited contact and to shift to low-effort interactions.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to accept that closeness isn’t going to happen and aim for peace instead.
Is it normal to feel jealous, competitive, or just irritated around my MIL?
It’s normal to feel jealous, competitive, or irritated around your mother-in-law. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person; it just means you two have an emotionally loaded dynamic.
Try to remind yourself that these emotions are common. When these feelings come up, notice them, but try not to let them run the show.
To help you cope with these emotions, consider taking some space, journaling, venting to a loved one, or talking it out with your partner. Check out these seven tips to start a journaling practice.
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