9 tips to keep your marriage strong after having kids
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Becoming a parent is exciting, but it will likely change your marriage. Get 9 tips to keep your relationship strong after kids and learn when to seek professional help.
Deciding to have a baby is a big decision, and one that you know will change your life—and marriage—forever. You and your partner will have a new little person to care for, and while parenthood can be an awe-inspiring adventure, it can create new challenges too.
After all, there are so many decisions you’ll need to make, and you won’t always agree on what to do. You might find yourself arguing over little things, like the best way to get your newborn to fall asleep, or bigger ones, such as how to set boundaries with your family members. Resentment can creep in when one person feels the other isn’t pulling their weight, and because parenting can be exhausting, you might find yourself wanting to crawl under the covers when the kids go to sleep instead of catching up with your partner.
Remember, though, even the toughest phases pass. It might feel like your kids are running the show, whether you’ve got a newborn to care for, or you’re now managing teens, but that doesn’t mean your connection as a couple has to be disrupted forever.
You may even find that having kids can make your partnership stronger. Here’s how to ride the waves of parenting while keeping your partnership strong.
7 ways having kids can affect your marriage
When you bring a baby into the world, your priorities change. Suddenly, diapers, bottles, and sleep windows are all you can think about — and of course, when you might be able to close your eyes for more than a few minutes. Naturally, this shift can affect your relationship in lots of ways, including some you might not expect.
1. Sleep deprivation and exhaustion: Sleepless nights come with the territory of raising kids, especially in those early months. And let’s face it — being constantly tired makes everything harder. When you’re running on empty, you might snap at each other unnecessarily or misinterpret each other’s innocent comments as passive-aggressive digs. Or maybe you’re simply too tired to connect, which can naturally lead to tension in your relationship.
2. Less quality time together: Before kids, it was easier to spend time with each other, whether that meant going on date nights or just having lazy mornings in bed. After becoming parents, carving out those moments can feel impossible. Between the baby’s needs, household chores, and work commitments, there’s little time left for one-on-one connection. This lack of quality time can begin to create distance, making you feel more like roommates than romantic partners.
3. Financial stress: It’s no secret that kids are expensive. From diapers and strollers to childcare and college funds, the financial responsibilities can pile up quickly. Money problems are one of the most common sources of stress in a marriage, and they can become even more intense when you’re juggling the added costs of raising a family.
4. Different parenting styles: Every parent has their own ideas about how to raise kids, and yours won’t always mesh with your spouse’s. Maybe one of you believes in strict routines, while the other prefers to go with the flow. These differences are natural, but they can lead to disagreements. If they’re left unresolved, this can create frustration or even resentment between you and your partner.
5. Reduced intimacy: It’s normal for intimacy to take a hit after kids. Postpartum recovery can take time, and when those pesky sleep regressions hit, you might be too tired to do anything in bed other than sleep. Many new parents—especially nursing mothers—may also feel touched-out and want more bodily autonomy and physical space.
6. Unspoken expectations: Parenting requires teamwork, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of assuming your partner knows what you need or how you’re feeling. When you’re not communicating clearly, misunderstandings can occur and you can both get frustrated.
7. Shifts in identity and priorities: Becoming a parent can change how you see yourself and your partner. It can take time to figure out how to balance your new role as a parent while still nurturing your identity as a couple.
How to keep a marriage strong after kids: 9 relationship survival tips
Parenting can push your relationship to its limits, but it can also be an exciting opportunity to deepen your relationship. Here are some practical tips to help your marriage thrive.
1. Discuss how you can share the responsibilities of parenting equally
Parenting is a team sport, and dividing the workload can make a huge difference. If you have a newborn, discuss a feeding schedule. Or if one parent is nursing, discuss the tasks that the other parent can take on.
For older kids it can help to split bedtime routines, school drop-offs, or meal prep so you’re both contributing and supporting each other. Creating a chart or a schedule so you’re both aware of who’s doing what can help solidify your plan.
Try this: Sit down together and make a list of daily and weekly tasks. Decide who will handle what and be open to tweaking the plan as needed. Rotate responsibilities like night feedings or grocery shopping to keep things fair. We get it: It’s a lot to handle emotionally, too. Read our 12 ways to find relief from overwhelm.
2. Schedule in quality time — even if it’s only a little
It’s easy to let your relationship take a backseat when kids are in the picture, so make time for each other. Even small moments together—like talking over coffee or going for a walk—can help you reconnect and remind you why you fell in love in the first place.
Try this: Schedule regular date nights, even if it’s just watching a movie at home after the kids are asleep. If you can, ask a family member or trusted friend to babysit so you can enjoy a night out. There are lots of ways you and your partner can show you care. Discover each other’s love languages to strengthen your bond.
3. Communicate with your partner openly and often
Raising kids comes with endless decisions and surprises, so staying on the same page as your partner can really help you both. Talk about your feelings, frustrations, and needs regularly. The more you communicate, the easier it can be to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
Try this: Set aside a few minutes each day to check in with each other. Use phrases like, “I appreciate when you…” or “I need help with…” to express yourself constructively. Not feeling heard? Check out our seven tips on how to communicate your needs in a relationship.
4. Practice gratitude for each other
Parenting is tough, and it’s easy to focus on what isn’t going well. So take time to acknowledge and appreciate each other’s efforts — even the small things. Thanking your partner for tackling bedtime or noticing that extra load of laundry they did can help you both feel valued.
Try this: Start a gratitude habit by sharing one thing you’re thankful for about each other every evening to help boost your positivity and connection. Get some inspiration with our 10 ways to practice gratitude.
5. Focus on working as a team
Think of parenting as a partnership: You support each other through challenges, celebrate victories together, and remind yourselves that you’re on the same side.
Try this: When conflicts arise, approach them as a team. Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” try asking, “How can we figure this out together?” This helps you focus on problem-solving, rather than blame.
6. Reignite intimacy together gradually
It’s normal to feel less romantic when you’re both tired, but you can do little things to reignite your bond. Start with little gestures, and don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to return to “normal” right away.
Try this: Try simple acts of connection, like holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or leaving sweet notes for each other. These small moments can help rekindle your bond.
7. Use mindfulness practices in your relationship
Parenting is stressful, and anxiety will probably spill over into your relationship at times. Try to stay in the moment so you can stay calm, grounded, and present with each other. This can also improve communication and reduce tension during disagreements.
Try this: Try a quick mindfulness exercise together, like taking five deep breaths before tackling a tough conversation. You can even meditate together — here are six to try.
💙 Explore some simple tools to support your mental and emotional health during the Ease Parenting Stress Series with Jeff Warren.
8. Look for support from others when parenting gets tough
You don’t have to do it all alone. Build a network of family, friends, or other parents whom you can lean on when you need help (or just want to feel less alone). Talking to people who understand can reduce stress and help you feel more connected.
Try this: Schedule a standing playdate or coffee meetup with other parents. This gives you a chance to vent, share advice, and recharge while your kids have fun.
💙 For a little extra support in your parenting journey, listen to the Conscious Parenting masterclass by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.
9. Laugh together whenever you can
Sometimes, the best way to navigate the chaos of parenting is to find the humor in it. Sharing a laugh over yet another diaper explosion can lighten the mood and remind you both not to take life too seriously.
Try this: Watch a light-hearted show together, share silly parenting moments, or swap funny stories about your day to bond and feel good together.
When to seek professional help
If you feel stuck, and the same old conflicts keep coming up, it’s totally okay to get help. Lots of couples turn to a therapist or counselor for help working through recurring difficulties, improving communication, or addressing issues like resentment or loss of connection. Marriage counseling or couples therapy provides a safe space to explore your challenges with the help of an expert. Therapists are trained to guide conversations in a way that helps both partners feel heard and understood.
Therapy isn’t just for couples in crisis, either. Many parents use it to stay proactive about their relationship, tuning up their marriage before small challenges become bigger problems.
Here’s when you might want to turn to a professional:
When recurring arguments don’t get resolved
You feel disconnected from your partner
Parenting disagreements escalate into major conflicts
Stress leads to mental health struggles like depression or anxiety
If you’re considering separation or divorce
Marriage after kids FAQs
How can we maintain intimacy in our marriage after having children?
If you have a new baby, it’s completely okay to want a break from sexual intimacy. When you’re ready for more, you can get there with patience and small, meaningful efforts.
First, acknowledge that your relationship might look different to the way things were before kids. Instead of focusing on what you’ve lost, work together to create new ways to connect. Start with small gestures like holding hands, hugging, or sharing a kiss when you greet each other. These little touches can remind you both of your bond and keep the spark alive.
Schedule time for just the two of you, even if it’s only a short window in your busy day. After the kids go to bed, spend 10–15 minutes talking without distractions — yes, that means putting your phone down! You can build up to longer quality moments, like a date night or a weekend getaway.
Be honest about your needs and expectations so you can both support each other in the ways you need. Remember that intimacy isn’t just about physical closeness, it’s also about feeling emotionally connected. Share your thoughts, laugh together, and remind each other of the love you’re building your family on.
What to do if partners have different parenting styles?
It’s natural for partners to have different approaches to parenting. These differences often come from how you were raised, your personal experiences, and your values. The key is to see these differences as an opportunity for balance rather than conflict.
Start by talking openly about your parenting goals. Ask yourself what kind of environment you want to create for your child, and what values do you want to instill. These shared goals can help you find common ground. When disagreements happen, focus on understanding each other rather than proving who’s right.
Avoid criticizing your partner’s approach and instead ask questions to learn more about their perspective. If one of you is stricter about bedtime while the other is more lenient, discuss why that matters to each of you. Look for compromises that meet both your needs while also suiting what’s best for your child.
If you’re struggling to find a solution to your issues, consider taking a parenting class or consulting a family therapist to work through the differences together.
How does sleep deprivation affect marriages?
Sleep deprivation is one of the toughest challenges for new parents, and it can affect your mental health. When you’re both exhausted, even small things can feel overwhelming, and it’s easy to snap at each other or misinterpret the other person’s words or tone which, over time, can lead to tension and disconnection. Lack of sleep can also impact your communication, making it harder to resolve conflicts or express your feelings.
The best way to tackle this is to acknowledge how sleep deprivation is impacting you and make a plan to share the load. Take turns doing night feedings or soothing the baby, so both of you get some rest. If possible, ask family or friends to give you a break, or consider hiring a night nurse for occasional relief. During especially tough days, try to be extra patient with each other, and if you can, avoid big discussions when you’re feeling cranky.
Are there specific mindfulness exercises that can help improve our relationship?
Mindfulness can be a great tool for reducing stress and improving your connection as a couple, because it helps you stay present, tune into each other’s needs, and approach challenges with a calmer mindset. Think of mindfulness as a shared activity, even if it’s just for five minutes a day. Here are a few exercises you can try together:
Deep breathing: Sit together, close your eyes, and take slow, deep breaths in sync. This can help you both feel more grounded and relaxed, especially after a long or stressful day. Here are 10 breathing exercises to explore with your partner.
Gratitude journaling: At the end of each day, take a few minutes to write down or share one thing you appreciated about your partner. This exercise shifts your focus to the positive aspects of your relationship and helps you feel more connected. Use one of these 10 gratitude prompts to get started.
Guided meditation for couples: Check out guided meditations to help you focus on themes like communication, empathy, and rebuilding intimacy.
When should we get professional help for our marriage?
There’s no perfect time to seek professional help for your relationship, but it’s always better to reach out sooner rather than later if you’re feeling stuck. If you and your partner are having the same arguments repeatedly, feeling emotionally distant, or struggling to resolve parenting disagreements, a therapist can help you work through these issues. It can feel like a scary thing to do, but look at it as a proactive step toward building a stronger, healthier relationship.
You might also consider professional support if stress from parenting is affecting your mental health. When you’re feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed about the daily grind as a parent, these feelings can spill into your marriage, making it harder to connect with your partner. A counselor can give you tools to manage stress and help you communicate your needs to each other more clearly and compassionately.
Therapy aims to create a safe space where you and your partner can explore challenges, learn new strategies, and grow together. If you’re unsure whether therapy is right for you, ask yourself this: Are we thriving as a couple, or just getting by? If it’s the latter, meeting with a therapist might give you the lift you need.
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