How to speak up for yourself (and why it's important)
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Does being assertive make you nervous? You’re not alone. Explore the benefits of speaking up for yourself, plus 6 tips to make your voice heard at work or at home.
How many times have you replayed a conversation in your mind after the fact and wished that you’d had a better comeback or phrased something a little differently?
Many of us struggle with speaking up for ourselves — and for good reason. It’s natural to feel nervous about expressing your thoughts, especially if you’re a little unsure of yourself or just not used to doing it.
Speaking up for yourself is a skill that anyone can learn and get better at over time. No matter how uncomfortable it might seem at first, you can find the courage to say what you need, voice an opinion, or ask for what you deserve. And once you get the hang of it, speaking up for yourself can make a huge difference in your relationships, at work, and for your self-esteem.
If you’ve been avoiding speaking up because you’re afraid of confrontation or you don’t want to upset anyone, remember this: Your voice matters. You deserve to be heard, and you have every right to stand up for yourself in a way that feels true to who you are. Let’s talk about how to do it.
What does it mean to speak up for yourself?
Speaking up for yourself means that you’re expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a direct and respectful way. You’re able to set boundaries and communicate clearly when something doesn’t sit right with you.
When you speak up for yourself, you’re not necessarily being confrontational or argumentative. You’re just saying what’s on your mind, even when it’s uncomfortable. Whether it’s addressing an unfair situation at work, expressing your feelings in a relationship, or standing up for your personal values, speaking up is about advocating for yourself.
It also involves knowing when to say “no” and being comfortable with setting limits. If you often find yourself saying yes to things you don’t want to do or staying silent to avoid conflict, learning to speak up can help you feel more in control of your life. You won’t get your way all the time, but you can make sure you’re always part of the conversation.
5 benefits of speaking up for yourself
If you’ve ever stayed quiet when you wanted to speak up, you know how frustrating it is. You might walk away from the situation thinking about all the things you could have said — or maybe you even have pretend follow-up conversations when you’re in the car or the shower. (Just us?)
Either way, when you start to learn the skill of advocating for yourself, you can start to feel more powerful. Speaking up not only helps you feel more in control of your life, it also has major benefits for your mental health, your relationships, and your self-esteem.
Boosts your confidence: Speaking up, even in small ways, can be empowering. Over time, you can cut down on feelings of self-doubt or insecurity. If you’re looking for other ways to overcome self-doubt, try these 12 strategies.
Improves relationships: By sharing your feelings honestly, you develop more trust and understanding with others, leading to stronger, more fulfilling personal and professional relationships.
Reduces stress: Keeping your thoughts or frustrations bottled up can lead to unnecessary stress and anxiety. When you speak up, you’re able to release that tension and address problems head-on.
Increases respect from others: People tend to respect people who are assertive and clear about their needs. When you express yourself honestly and directly, others are more likely to take you seriously and respect your boundaries.
Leads to personal growth: Speaking up requires practice and reflection. As you learn to voice your opinions and needs, you also learn more about yourself, what you value, and what you’re willing to stand for. This self-awareness promotes personal growth and helps you feel more grounded in your decisions.
How to start speaking up for yourself: 6 tips to mindfully raise your voice
Speaking up for yourself can be overwhelming if you’re not used to it. You might worry about how people will react, or maybe you’re just not sure where to begin. The good news is, like any other skill, learning to advocate for yourself gets easier with practice. These six simple, mindful tips can help you start speaking up with more confidence and ease.
1. Start small
You don’t have to dive into difficult conversations right away—it’s often better to begin with low-pressure situations where the stakes aren’t too high. For example, you can practice by sharing your opinion more often during casual conversations with friends or family. Or if you’re used to saying "yes" to every request, try saying "no" to something small that doesn’t work for you. (Here are 30 ways to do it.)
These little moments will help build your confidence and prepare you for bigger situations where speaking up might feel more challenging.
2. Use “I” statements
One of the most effective ways to communicate assertively without sounding confrontational is to use “I” statements. When you express yourself, focus on how you feel, rather than pointing fingers or blaming others. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel unheard when I don’t get a chance to share my thoughts.”
This keeps the conversation centered on your experience, which makes it less likely that the other person will feel defensive. It’s a small shift, but it can make a big difference in how the conversation goes.
3. Stay calm and clear
When emotions are running high, it’s easy for conversations to get off track or become heated. To avoid this, take a deep breath before you start talking, and focus on staying calm and centered. Speak slowly and clearly so that the other person can understand your point without feeling rushed.
If you feel your nerves or emotions rising, it’s okay to pause, take another breath, and continue when you’re ready. Staying calm helps you stay in control of the conversation and keeps things from escalating.
💙 Quieting Your Mind is a series of moves from Mel Mah to help you block out distractions so you can focus on what matters.
4. Set boundaries
It might feel uncomfortable at first, but setting boundaries is essential for protecting your time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. Setting boundaries means being clear about what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. For example, if someone asks you to do something that you don’t have the time or energy for, it’s okay to say “no” without feeling guilty.
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away — they’re about making sure that your needs are respected. When you communicate your limits calmly and clearly, people are much more likely to respect them.
💙 Explore A Secret to Better Boundaries with this meditation from Jeff Warren.
5. Prepare ahead of time
If you know that you’ll need to speak up in a specific situation, like asking for a raise at work, or having a tough conversation with a friend, take some time to prepare beforehand. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it.
If it helps, write down your main points or practice with a friend. This can give you confidence and help you stay focused, so you don’t get sidetracked or overwhelmed in the moment.
6. Use body language
Communication isn’t just about the words you say, your body language plays a big role too. How you hold yourself can signal confidence and assertiveness, even if you’re feeling a little nervous inside. Stand or sit up straight, make eye contact, and use a steady, calm tone of voice.
These non-verbal cues show others that you believe in yourself and are serious about what you’re saying. If you’re slouched or avoiding eye contact, you may seem unsure or uncomfortable, which can make it harder for others to take you seriously. Practice using strong, open body language to reinforce your words.
How to speak up for yourself FAQs
How can I speak up for myself without coming across as rude?
It’s normal to worry that speaking up for yourself means you will come across as rude. These strategies can help you advocate for yourself respectfully.
Use "I" statements to keep the focus on your feelings rather than blaming others.
Stay calm and maintain a neutral tone, even in stressful situations.
Express your needs clearly without trying to win an argument.
Listen to the other person's perspective to keep the conversation balanced — when both sides feel heard, it's easier to find common ground. You might try one of these eight active listening techniques.
What are some common barriers to speaking up, and how can I overcome them?
Many people face common barriers when they try to speak up for themselves, including fear of conflict, anxiety about others' perceptions, and a desire to avoid hurting feelings. Overcoming these challenges involves recognizing that conflict is a normal part of life, practicing self-advocacy in low-pressure situations to build confidence, and communicating clearly.
Above all else, remind yourself that your needs matter too.
How do I handle anxiety about confrontation when speaking up for myself?
Feeling anxious about confrontation is normal, especially if you prefer to avoid conflict. (If this describes you, here are 10 tips to avoid people-pleasing.) But confrontation is a part of healthy communication and can lead to better understanding and stronger relationships.
Prepare by thinking about your message and practicing with a friend ahead of time.
During the conversation, take deep breaths to stay calm and feel free to pause if needed.
Focus on your desired outcome to help push through anxiety and advocate for yourself effectively.
Can speaking up for yourself improve your mental health?
Speaking up for yourself positively impacts mental health by reducing stress and anxiety in the long term. It can also lead to boosting your self-esteem, reinforcing the importance of your feelings, and supporting a healthier self-image.
Plus, clear communication and boundary setting lead to stronger relationships based on trust — and that includes the one you have with yourself.
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