How to find your attachment style and deepen your relationships
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, MBA
Want to deepen your relationships? Here's how to find your attachment style, connecting the dots between your early bonds and how you relate today.
While wanting to be loved is a universal desire, close relationships are different for everyone. You might love the excitement that comes with a new connection, or it might terrify you. And whether you know it or not, the way you connect with others is probably rooted in patterns of behaviors known as your attachment style.
Most people form close relationships throughout a lifetime, but the way you connect with others is often shaped by those you connected with first — your parents and caregivers. These relationships teach the child what to expect when it comes to closeness, support, and love, and those patterns are often reflected in adult relationships.
Your attachment style can quietly shape how you interact with partners, friends, and family, especially when life feels vulnerable. Intrigued? Let’s walk through the basics of attachment theory and explore each attachment style in depth. Because once you understand your attachment style, you can better understand your patterns and connect more deeply with yourself and others.
What is attachment theory?
Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how we form and maintain emotional bonds. At its heart, it’s about how safe we feel to be close, to ask for what we need, and to trust that our connection with others won’t disappear when we’re vulnerable.
British psychologist John Bowlby developed the theory after noticing that a child’s bond with their primary caregiver shapes how they learn to connect, seek comfort, and manage stress. These early experiences get internalized as a sort of default mode and serve as your brain’s blueprint for how relationships function.
If your parents or early caregivers were consistently responsive, then you likely learned that closeness is safe and predictable. But if care was unpredictable, absent, or overwhelming, you may have adapted by developing protective strategies to help you cope. Whether you learned that connection was safe, absent, or unpredictable helps determine your attachment style.
What are the 4 attachment styles?
Attachment styles are the patterns of behavior we experience and exhibit when relating to other people. They influence how we connect and how we feel safe. While they’re not personality traits or fixed categories, they act as automatic responses based on what helped you get through early relationships, particularly with caregivers.
Most people develop an attachment style when they’re young, but they can also change as you grow, heal, and build new connections. Here’s a breakdown of what each one means.
Secure attachment
What it is:
A secure attachment style means you feel secure in most relationships. It often forms when children have healthy relationships with their parents. Love, care, and attention are consistent, and the child understands where they stand in terms of their caregivers’ priorities. Adults can also work to develop a secure attachment style later in life through therapy and personal growth practices.
What it looks like:
They’re comfortable both asking for help and offering it
They don’t fear abandonment in close relationships
They’re okay being alone and fine being close to others
They’re able to work through conflict without shutting down or lashing out
How they can connect with others:
Securely attached people value closeness and independence. They can also use their steadiness to model healthy communication without taking on the role of fixing the other person. Oftentimes, a securely attached person can be a good partner to someone who has a more anxious or avoidant style, as they create a secure space for that person to rest and open up. But a securely attached partner isn’t a replacement for therapy or personal growth if someone has a non-secure attachment style.
Anxious attachment
What it is:
Anxious attachment is exactly what it sounds like. Close relationships become anxiety-inducing. Anxious attachment often begins when caregiving is inconsistent. This can occur when love and attention felt unpredictable or like they had to be earned. People with this style have a strong need for closeness and reassurance, but also a deep fear of being left, forgotten, or unloved.
What it looks like:
They often feel like they care more than the other person
Reassurance feels essential, not optional
They worry that expressing their needs will push people away
Conflict feels threatening, not just uncomfortable
How they can connect with others:
The sensitivity developed can help anxiously attached people notice others’ feelings, but it can also make uncertainty feel stressful. It can help to communicate needs clearly instead of hoping others will guess. Even saying something simple like, “This situation makes me feel nervous. Can you give me a bit more explanation?” can help. Calming tools like journaling, meditating, and therapy may also help calm the nervous system and move someone from anxious attachment to a more secure attachment.
Read more: Anxious preoccupied attachment: signs, causes, and how to cope
Avoidant attachment
What it is:
Ever dated someone who seemed so into you one day and then disappeared the next? Welcome to the avoidant attachment style. This style tends to develop when emotional needs weren’t met consistently in childhood. Maybe mom or dad worked a lot, and the child began to feel that they needed to take care of themselves. This could lead to independence being valued over connection, and over time, closeness may start to feel overwhelming or unsafe. People with this style often take pride in being self-reliant and may keep others at a distance.
What it looks like:
They feel smothered when someone gets too emotionally close
They prefer problem-solving over emotional conversations
They tend to shut down or withdraw during conflict
They believe it’s safer not to need anyone
How they can connect with others:
Independence is valuable, but closeness is also an important part of connection. If emotional intimacy feels uncomfortable, it can help for them to start small, sharing bits of themselves and noticing when they start to pull away. Exercises like staying a few extra minutes during emotional conversations can help, or even expressing sentiments like, “Closeness is hard for me, please bear with me as we get to know each other.”
Read more: What is dismissive-avoidant attachment? Plus, how to deal with it
Disorganized attachment
What it is:
Disorganized attachment is an attachment style that swings between anxious and avoidant behaviors. They may crave closeness one moment, but panic when it actually happens.
This style often develops when caregivers were frightening, neglectful, or caused trauma. When love and fear are mixed together, it can be hard to know what’s safe or how to respond.
What it looks like:
They feel torn between wanting closeness and fearing it
Their reactions in relationships can shift quickly or feel out of control
They struggle with self-trust or regulating their emotions
How they can connect with others:
With this style, it’s normal to feel pulled between wanting closeness and fearing it. It can help to acknowledge that this feeling is the nervous system keeping a lookout, not a personal failure. Having safe, supportive people who help them co-regulate can help. Mindfulness practices like meditation, journaling, and therapy can also be useful in navigating relationships for those with this attachment style. With time, patience, and work, you can move away from disorganized attachment and veer closer to secure attachment.
How to find your attachment style: 5 tips to know yourself better
There are several ways to determine your attachment style, but the most reliable approach may be to work with a therapist or mental health professional. Still, you can start by observing how you respond in everyday relationships to get a better understanding.
Here are five self-guided ways to begin exploring your attachment style.
1. Notice what happens when you feel emotionally close to someone
Do you lean in with ease? Pull back a little? Cling tightly? Try to stay neutral even when things get intense?
Pay attention to your body and emotions when intimacy is on the table, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a best friend, or a family member. Your comfort (or discomfort) with closeness is often the first clue.
💙 Calm yourself down through movement during the Soothing Your Nervous System session with Mel Mah.
2. Reflect on how you react during conflict
When problems arise, some people go into problem-solving mode, which is a sign of anxious attachment. Others freeze, shut down, or feel the urge to run, which tends to be more avoidant.
Some people need immediate reassurance while others need space. Conflict can bring out your attachment patterns very quickly, and this is especially true when it involves someone you care about.
Ask yourself the following questions in conflict to figure out your attachment style:
Do I seek closeness or distance when things get hard?
Do I feel safe expressing my needs, or do I keep them in?
Do I get overwhelmed by the idea of being misunderstood or rejected?
Related read: How to communicate better with all the people in your life
3. Tune in to your self-talk in relationships
What do you tell yourself when someone doesn’t text back right away, when your partner is quiet, or when you’re struggling to connect with a friend? Those inner scripts reveal a lot.
If the first thing you think is, “I must have done something wrong,” you likely lean anxious. If the script is more like “I knew they’d let me down,” or “I can handle this alone,” it’s a sign of a more avoidant attachment style.
Try writing down a few of your recurring thoughts about relationships. You might notice patterns that reveal how safe (or unsafe) closeness feels to you.
💙 Discover how to speak to yourself kindly during the Shift Your Self-Talk session with Jay Shetty.
4. Look back at how your emotional needs were handled in childhood
Were your caregivers warm and reliable? Did they encourage your emotions, or did they ignore, minimize, or punish them? Understanding your early environment can help you see the roots of your current attachment style.
Once you make sense of the emotional blueprint you were given, you can decide what you want to keep and what you’re ready to update.
5. Track your patterns across different relationships
Attachment isn’t a one-size-fits-all. You might feel secure with friends, but anxious in romantic relationships, or you might thrive in connection until someone gets too close. The person could also be exactly the same, but you might notice different patterns of showing up depending on how stressed or safe you feel.
The key is to watch how your responses shift (or don’t) in different contexts. Every relationship you’re in gives you a new chance to learn something about how you attach and what helps you feel safe.
💙 Learn more about your romantic patterns and how to heal them during the Love and Relationships series with Tamara Levitt.
How to find your attachment style FAQs
Can your attachment style change over time?
Yes. Attachment styles are adaptive, not fixed. While your early relationships may shape your initial patterns, your style can shift through intentional work, therapy, or consistent, healthy relationships.
This process is often referred to as earned secure attachment, and it reflects the idea that healing and growth are always possible, no matter where you start.
Is it possible to have more than one attachment style?
Absolutely. You might notice that you respond differently depending on the relationship, the situation, or even the phase of life you’re in. For example, you might feel secure with close friends, but anxious in romantic relationships.
Or, you may lean avoidant during stress and anxious during disconnection. It’s common for people to move between styles or hold a blend of them, based on their history and current environment.
What are the four attachment styles?
The four main attachment styles are secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.
Secure attachment reflects comfort with both intimacy and independence.
Anxious attachment often involves a fear of abandonment and a heightened need for reassurance.
Avoidant attachment is marked by emotional distance and discomfort with vulnerability.
Disorganized attachment involves a push-pull dynamic where connection feels both deeply desired and inherently threatening. It’s often linked to unresolved trauma or inconsistent caregiving.
How do I know if I have a secure attachment style?
If you generally feel safe expressing your emotions, trust others without constant fear of rejection, and can navigate conflict without losing your sense of self, you may be operating from a secure attachment style. People with secure attachment tend to maintain healthy boundaries, communicate directly, and seek support without guilt or shame.
They still experience relationship challenges just like anyone else, but it’s the way they resolve them that sets them apart.
What determines your attachment style in childhood?
Your attachment style in childhood is largely shaped by how your caregivers responded to your emotional needs early in life. If they were consistently available, responsive, and attuned, you likely developed a secure base.
But if care felt unpredictable, dismissive, or frightening, your system adapted in whichever way it needed to feel safe, leading to anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns. These adaptations were helpful at the time because they helped you get through those times. Understanding them now is a way to reclaim choice and connection.
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