11 tips to help you overcome adult shyness
Clinically reviewed by Dr. Chris Mosunic, PhD, RD, CDCES, MBA
Explore the causes of shyness in adults and the benefits of working to treat it. Plus, 11 tips to overcome adult shyness and have a more fulfilling social life.
We often associate shyness as being a childlike trait, but many adults have opened up about feeling shy — or being hesitant or uncomfortable in certain environments. Shyness isn’t a one-size-fits-all quality. There’s a wide range of reasons why you might feel shy, ranging from genetic factors to past experiences, or trauma.
What’s shyness in adults?
Shyness in adults can be complex. Unlike social anxiety, which is a strong fear of social judgment or rejection, shyness is more about a sense of awkwardness and apprehension during social interactions. It doesn't necessarily change your ability to attend social occasions, but it can make gatherings or new encounters feel daunting. Many people also confuse shyness with introversion. While introverts may prefer quieter, less stimulating environments, people who feel shy often want to be more socially active but are held back by their discomfort or nervousness. Also, both introverts and extroverts can experience shyness.
There are also common misconceptions that shyness is a result of poor social skills or a lack of interest in others, which isn’t necessarily true. Shy people often have these qualities, but might feel blocked by their own self-consciousness.
11 tips to overcome adult shyness
Shyness can affect how you behave and communicate, but there are certain strategies that may help you overcome these feelings and enjoy a more robust social life.
1. Start small
Begin with manageable social interactions, such as saying hello to a neighbor or making small talk with a cashier. These small steps can help build confidence in your social abilities without overwhelming you.
💙 Discover what’s on the other side of fear by Taking the Exquisite Risk with Tara Brach, such as saying hello to a stranger or saying yes to plans with new friends.
2. Set specific social goals
Challenge yourself with achievable social goals, like initiating a conversation once a day. This can help gradually reduce the intensity of your shyness.
💙 Make a Commitment to yourself to try one new thing every day that’s outside of your social comfort zone.
3. Practice active listening
Concentrate on listening to others during conversations. This can help shift your attention away from self-conscious thoughts so social situations can become less intimidating. It can also improve your conversational skills, making social situations easier to navigate.
💙 Explore the art of mindful Listening as a tool to lean on when you’re feeling shy.
4. Join social groups
Connect with groups or clubs that align with your interests. Whether it’s a book club, a cooking class, or a sports team, being around like-minded people can encourage conversations that flow more naturally.
5. Prepare for social interactions
Have a mental list of current events, hobbies, or questions you can ask others in social settings to help reduce anxiety about running out of things to say.
6. Celebrate small victories
Whether it's having a pleasant conversation or simply attending a social event, acknowledge your progress to reinforce positive feelings about social interactions.
7. Visualize success
Before entering a social situation, spend a few minutes visualizing yourself feeling calm and relaxed around others. Picture yourself enjoying conversations and leaving the event feeling good. This mental rehearsal can help boost your confidence.
8. Challenge negative thoughts
When negative thoughts about your social abilities occur, remind yourself of times when you successfully spent time with others or focus on your strengths in social settings.
💙 Send some Loving-Kindness to yourself (and to others) while you work to stop negative thoughts from hindering your progress.
9. Embrace discomfort
Gradually expose yourself to uncomfortable social situations to help reduce the anxiety associated with them.
💙 Become more familiar with the physical sensations in your body through regular Body Scan meditations.
10. Seek feedback
Talk to trusted friends or family members about your social skills. Their insights can provide practical tips and help affirm the positive aspects of your social behavior.
11. Consider professional help
If shyness is severely impacting your quality of life, consult a psychologist or therapist for tailored strategies and support to help you overcome your feelings.
What causes adult shyness?
Shyness in adults is influenced by a number of factors. Recognizing the causes of shyness can empower you to address and overcome your challenges.
Past traumatic experiences: Negative social experiences, such as bullying, teasing, or other forms of social rejection during childhood or adolescence can leave lasting impressions that contribute to feelings of shyness in adulthood. You might subconsciously expect similar outcomes in future social situations.
Upbringing: Children who grow up with overly critical or protective parents may not have had many opportunities to develop social skills independently. This lack of experience can cause shyness in adult social settings.
Inherited traits: If shyness or anxiety is prevalent in family history, there might be a biological component making you more prone to these feelings.
Lack of social skills: Sometimes, shyness can stem from having had limited social exposure during critical developmental periods, or not learning how to navigate various social cues effectively.
Personality traits: Some personality traits, such as being highly sensitive or self-conscious, can make social occasions more challenging. People with these traits might overthink social situations or be more affected by perceived or real social slights.
6 benefits of overcoming shyness
Overcoming shyness can enhance many aspects of your personal and professional life.
Improved relationships: As you overcome shyness, you'll likely find it easier to initiate and maintain conversations, which can lead to deeper and more meaningful relationships.
Increased professional opportunities: In the workplace, social confidence can lead to better visibility and opportunities for advancement. Being more assertive and expressive can help you in networking, negotiations, and collaborations, which can be important for career growth and success.
Enhanced self-esteem: Overcoming the challenges associated with shyness can make you feel more self-assured, boosting your overall self-esteem.
Greater life satisfaction: Engaging more fully in life's social aspects can lead to richer, more diverse experiences. Participating in different social activities, meeting new people, and building a supportive network can increase your overall happiness and satisfaction with life.
Reduced anxiety in social situations: As you become more accustomed to interacting in social settings, the anxiety and stress associated with them tend to decrease. This reduction in anxiety can lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable social life, where you feel free to be yourself without worrying about how others perceive you.
Expanded personal growth: Overcoming shyness often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. The skills you develop during this process, such as resilience, emotional intelligence, and assertiveness can bring benefits across all areas of life.
Adult shyness FAQs
Can shyness be completely cured?
While shyness may not be completely "cured" for everyone, you can reduce its impact through specific strategies and practices. Many people find that approaches such as cognitive-behavioral techniques, social skills training, and gradual exposure to social situations can help them manage their shyness.
How do I know if I need professional help for my shyness?
It might be time to seek professional help if your shyness is preventing you from achieving your personal, professional, or social goals, or if it causes significant distress. If you find shyness interferes with your job performance, relationships, or daily activities, consult a therapist for tailored strategies to manage and overcome these challenges. Professional guidance can be particularly beneficial if you’ve tried to manage shyness on your own, but haven’t yet made the progress you were hoping for.
How can I help a loved one who is struggling with shyness?
Supporting a loved one with shyness involves empathy, patience, and encouragement.
Acknowledge their feelings without pushing them too hard into uncomfortable situations.
Encourage small steps and celebrate their successes, no matter how minor they seem.
Offer to attend social functions with them to also help ease their tension.
Gently encourage them to seek professional help if their shyness seems to significantly hinder their quality of life.
What are the differences between shyness and social anxiety?
Shyness and social anxiety may overlap, but they can differ significantly in intensity and impact. Shyness is usually a discomfort or hesitance in social situations, but it doesn't necessarily involve severe fear or anxiety. However, social anxiety includes intense fear of being judged or rejected by others, which can lead to avoidance of social situations and severely disrupt someone's life.
Is shyness always a negative trait?
Shyness can sometimes contribute positively to someone's character. For example, people who are shy often exhibit qualities like thoughtfulness, sensitivity, and caution, which can bring advantages in many personal and professional situations. The key is managing shyness so that it doesn’t prevent you from engaging in life fully, but still allows you to retain the positive aspects of this trait.
How do I handle social situations that make me feel shy?
Managing shyness in social situations can help reduce the intensity of the feelings, and make social interactions more manageable and less daunting.
Prepare ahead of time, with topics of conversation to help you feel more confident.
Set realistic goals, like speaking to at least one new person.
Focus on other people and concentrate on listening actively, rather than on your own feelings of shyness.
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